Loneliness, no google definition here because I believe we can all understand this emotion. A while back I was feeling lonely because I felt isolated in my burdens and stresses and therefore detached from those around me. There is sense of comfort one feels when they know that those around them can fully understand their situation - I did not have this sense of comfort because I did not feel bold enough or trusting enough to talk of my situation. I had a fear of betrayal, of judgement and disregard - like people didn't really care whether or not I was okay, and because I thought this, I never bothered to really let others know when I wasn't okay. Well, not until the storm was over.
Now, the loneliness I feel is not as intense as this. It is a newer type of loneliness different to the former one. This loneliness is not based on comparison, social media expectations, or my dependency on others. This loneliness is birthed from a desire to develop. It's as if I'm longing for a team, a group of people I can grow with, confide in, share my ambitions with, actualise my projects with. I am lonely for people who see and understand the vision I have, who understand me, people who care about me genuinely. It is a longing for companionship that emerged after a season of intentional solitude - a time where I purposely retreated into my private space to hone my character, to address my fear of isolation and my comparison and immaturity. As I worked on myself I began to see that my dreams were too big for just me, that I needed people to walk with me. So here I am, by my laptop typing about this uncomfortable feeling I've been having as of recent, hoping that it'll go away. I now see the importance of the first loneliness, without it I wouldn't have been able to distinguish it from the second type.
The first loneliness was a longing for superficial connections - Instagram worthy relationships. It was not rooted in something deeper, it wished to put no efforts into relationships and was self centred. The first loneliness had no knowledge of the dynamics of friendships and how space and intentionality was required.
The second loneliness was built on sincere emotion and knowledge, it had purpose and direction, it was no longer fully self-serving, it was wiser and was built on the foundation of a heart assured in its own worth and ability to stand tall even when deserted.
In the past year I have come to learn that good things are handled poorly when we do not know their worth. It took me losing friends to see how much I appreciated them, and it took me being alone to realise how fulfilling and productive my own company was. I have come to value people and myself and am therefore more equipped to develop good life lasting relationships.
So many great things are happening for me, I see myself as someone I am proud of. Yet, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get lonely, that I didn't find myself silencing my thoughts and words out of an understanding that these are not the right people to be vulnerable and open with, that I didn't see myself drifting away from those I claimed to 'love'. I am developing standards for my circle and as a result it is becoming increasingly smaller and I am feeling less trusting and less reliant on those who were once my pillars. But this is growth right?
What is liberating is that this loneliness (longing for meaningful connection) is it is not debilitating, it's a background echo whilst I read at night, or a dull pang whilst I type up a blog post. It's the urge to facetime a forgotten friend or to text a cousin or ex-classmate. It's just this morning that I identified it as loneliness. But as I mentioned before, I am coming out of a season of solitude, I know great things await me. I just need to be prepared for them. But I feel it all the same, even in the waiting.
I'd be lying if I said that it didn't get lonely.
